Some days, it feels to me like I can't find myself, or find my faith in the things that happen to me.
Other days, it's like God himself is right behind me saying, "Look, kid, you're doing this all wrong! You're supposed to be THIS way..." and I have to get my butt back in gear. It's been one of those weekends. So, first and foremost, Thank you God, for the wakeup call.
A good friend of mine told me this weekend that I wasn't acting like the Alex she knew. That I was being impatient and selfish, and moody. I was being rude and disrespectful. I was actively trying to stay away from people for reasons that even I didn't understand. She said that I needed to spend some time to think about who I am, and what I've become. That I need to think about this new Alex, and how much he's hurting, and how much he isn't like me, how much this changed Alex is different from the Alex she became friends with.
And so I've been thinking and praying about how I've been acting lately. I've come to the conclusion that I've neglected my faith and my love of Christ far more than I should ever have. I'm not being a good friend because I've drifted from Christ's total love and total forgiveness, and by process, have not considered others in the way a true friend and Christian should. What I've been doing is putting me in front of everyone else. This ME-ism has to stop and stop now. I've got to redouble my efforts and try harder to live a Christian life. It's very apparent that i've slipped, and in the process, I've hurt so many people. I intend to right these wrongs now with Christ as my center. I'm spending the week in meditation and reflection on His true and forgiving love, all His mercy, and what He truly means to me and the way that I live.
I've also come to the conclusion that even though I've tried so hard to let go of all the drama and pain associated with these past couple of months, I haven't been able to. It is in part to blogging, and in part of my insatiable "curiosity kills the cat" attitude when it comes to my ex's blog. I just can't help but check up on her: And what she says hurts me, and brings me down. I guess I just haven't truly risen above it yet. I've got to though. If at least for my own safety and happiness, I have to just let go and say, "This relationship happened, and it didn't work. What she does now is not my fault, and I am not forcing her to do anything." Only after I truly let this go can I move on and grow as a person again. And I'm not growing right now. I can be happy, but I need to apply myself to it and to make sure and not get sucked back into the drama.
With God as my guide and companion, I can only succeed. And soon, I hope to be that Alex that is the true one, I hope to find the Alex that my friend misses.
In the words of The Afters;
"Faith, keep me strong,
and love, lead me on."
Peace,
Beebes