Well, a little fill in for everyone, since I haven't posted a life-blog in a while...
I should start by saying that I just had my ACL reconstructed on the 23rd of Dec. (Fun way to spend the holidays, let me tell you). Physical therapy three times a week, exercises, and a pleasant machine called a CPM (I'd find a some rude words for the acronym, but I don't feel like it) Needless to say, I'm in constant pain pretty much all the time. I had a hamstring transplant surgery, along with a medial meniscus scope. I have 4 holes in my leg, and 25% of my meniscus left. Yeah. It hurts. They've perscribed percacet, but I don't take it unless the pain gets unbearable.
However, my ACL is the least pain-giver. Recently, Sam and I had a fight. Well, I don't know that I'd call it a fight, I'd call it a "she accused me of being unfaithful, accused me of never trusting her, never even loving her" sort of thing. She even said that I thought she was a bitch. She said some things that hurt pretty bad, and then said some more things, which weren't any better. Really, she just accused me of things I didn't do, and if anyone knows anything about me, it is that is the one thing that hurts me more than anything. After all that, she said that she loved me enough that she would let me go if I wanted. I let go because I was afraid that I was hurting her too much. I guess I can say that I felt upset and lost after what she said to me, and that is a reason for letting go as well. She says that she didn't mean it the way I took it, but I guess I couldn't find any other way TO take it.
I love her. I still do. I never stopped loving her, even if she thinks otherwise.The more I think about this relationship, the more I know that this would happen and I think it's probably better it happened this way because I know that eventually, I'm going have to leave, and I may never see her again. I was hurt by what she said, but I can, and did forgive her for that. I don't want her to waste the rest of her high-school years thinking about me. I don't want her to waste these times. And if that means she has to hate me to enjoy high-school again, well, it's not that big of a sacrifice.
But every day, loving her and knowing that I had to leave her to herself, it gets harder and harder to bear, harder to hold on because of the things she still says. She says that I didn't even love her, that I was unfaithful, that I made her feel used and that I changed her into something she didn't want to be. If that's what she wants to say, then that is fine. I'm never going to control what someone says, I'm not going to try and make someone fit into a mold. The only problem is that I'm probably going to lose some friends over this because of the things she says.
Words have a way of hurting you the worst. Even worse than the pain coming from my leg.
Happy New Year to All! May your 2005 be one of the best!
Beebes